I've been trying to formulate this post in my head for the last several days. Initially I had planned on posting this on Mother's Day, but I was entirely too emotional to get that done. With the prospect of impending motherhood right around the corner, I've found myself struggling with that notion. I'm having a little trouble wrapping my head around the enormity of this new position in life and struggling somewhat to find a sense of what that role truly means.
A few weeks ago, our profiles started being shown to expectant mothers, which is really when I started to struggle. At times, if I allow myself to think about it, I'm completely overwhelmed by the decision that an expectant mother will make to place her child into our family. I really cannot imagine a decision any harder than that. What about us makes us the right family? Why would we be the best choice?
I've found myself struggling with the concept of being someone's mother. If you've been reading this blog, or if you know me, then you know that my mother died unexpectedly when I was eight. And obviously that loss has shaped a tremendous part of who I am. I had a great mom and the memories I have of her are only happy ones. I've tried really hard not to let that be the most defining moment in my life.
While that is tragic,--and believe me I'm not looking for sympathy-- I was also fortunate enough to be blessed with an incredible step-mother who came into my life when I was finishing college. She became a second mother to me and brought with her the older sister and brother I never got to have. (Let me just mention I have a great younger brother from my mom's second marriage. I don't want him to feel slighted.) Anne was one of the most amazing and heroic women that I've ever known. And I'm so blessed that she accepted me as her daughter. She came along at the perfect time in my life. But like my mother, she was taken too soon.
A big part of me feels that I'm struggling so much with this prospective new role because of the loss of these great women. Sometimes I try to reason with myself about this uneasiness, telling myself that through my "formative" years I didn't have a "mother" role model. Which is ridiculous, because between two grandmothers, one great-grandmother, aunts and a great single father, I had more mothering than a lot of my friends.
Ultimately, I know that this journey will venture towards our child and that I will be great mother. (and Larry will be a phenomenal father). I've had great role models in the past. And I've got great role models now, who have been so incredibly supportive of me in this quest. (And you know who you are.)
If you're still with me, thanks for reading! I needed to get that out of my brain.
Hopefully something lighter will come along soon.
I've found myself struggling with the concept of being someone's mother. If you've been reading this blog, or if you know me, then you know that my mother died unexpectedly when I was eight. And obviously that loss has shaped a tremendous part of who I am. I had a great mom and the memories I have of her are only happy ones. I've tried really hard not to let that be the most defining moment in my life.
While that is tragic,--and believe me I'm not looking for sympathy-- I was also fortunate enough to be blessed with an incredible step-mother who came into my life when I was finishing college. She became a second mother to me and brought with her the older sister and brother I never got to have. (Let me just mention I have a great younger brother from my mom's second marriage. I don't want him to feel slighted.) Anne was one of the most amazing and heroic women that I've ever known. And I'm so blessed that she accepted me as her daughter. She came along at the perfect time in my life. But like my mother, she was taken too soon.
A big part of me feels that I'm struggling so much with this prospective new role because of the loss of these great women. Sometimes I try to reason with myself about this uneasiness, telling myself that through my "formative" years I didn't have a "mother" role model. Which is ridiculous, because between two grandmothers, one great-grandmother, aunts and a great single father, I had more mothering than a lot of my friends.
Ultimately, I know that this journey will venture towards our child and that I will be great mother. (and Larry will be a phenomenal father). I've had great role models in the past. And I've got great role models now, who have been so incredibly supportive of me in this quest. (And you know who you are.)
If you're still with me, thanks for reading! I needed to get that out of my brain.
Hopefully something lighter will come along soon.
6 comments:
What an amazing post! Thanks for sharing!
Great post! Being a mom is humbling, but being an adoptive mother--especially when a birthmom has chosen YOU--is even more humbling. What an honor. You WILL be a great mother!!!
You are not the only emotional one! I'm not even close to being a mom - and the thought makes me tear up!
Ya know - realizing what an awesome and huge responsibility/honor being a mom is - is what makes the best moms :)
Will give you a *hug* soon! :)
I loved reading your post, and I too wondered what about us made Hunter's Birthmom pick us... So I asked her one day, and she told me by looking at our profile she could see we were down to earth, and she saw the love we had for one another.. she knew we would love him with all our hearts....And she was right! : )
My fingers are crossed, and I can't wait to hear when your journey to become a mother turns into an adventure you will never regret!
April
Thanks for sharing about your mom history. It's a good time to get all that clear for yourself as you embark on this adventure yourself. You will be a great mom!
You will be an incredible mom. And the fact that you think about this sort of stuff is just further evidence, as if any were needed. Your child will be so incredibly lucky!
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